Sunday, May 31, 2009


(I'm rambling, clearing my head..)

Have you ever been rejected? 
Rejected in a sense of many things. Maybe your credit card got rejected, maybe you got rejected from turning onto a street. Or what about rejected from a group, from a friend, from family. Or what about rejected from someone you genuinely care about? 

My brain is just turning. So many thoughts. So much has happened in my life lately. It's crazy.

Best friends forever right? Well forever is here. I feel like I'm losing someone that I care so much about. We've been friends for awhile, and I feel like sometimes she's all I have. I'm learning that distance is such a bad thing. College sucks. It's broken friendships and changed me. I guess in part, I let it, but at the same time, I question why sometimes life gets so hard. Then I'm reminded that the Lord still loves me and will never forsake me. It's like I have millions of people around me but no one truly cares. I know this is false, but sometimes I feel so small. I guess it's just how the world spins. I just have to trust that if one relationship falls another one will spring. It just sucks to care about someone so much and they really don't put any effort into a relationship. It's been almost 3 days since we talked, and it hurts. Like brings me to tears. I know that this all has a purpose, just gotta figure that purpose out.

Recently, I hung out with this guy. He's not a guy I'd usually be infatuated with, but I am. He's like the opposite of me, and I guess that's like a game for me. I don't know how those types of people work and I want to know. Well he basically doesn't have romantic feelings for me, and most likely won't develop them. For some odd reason, I was super hurt. Like this happens to me all the time, it seems. But I was almost as hurt as I was with the guy I had a year and half thing with when that ended. I feel like I should be expect the least from people, not fall so fast, and not wear my emotions on my sleeve, but yet I still do. Frustrating I know. I'm stubborn I guess. I'm sick of rejection, from my friends and guys I like. But at the same time, I think these situations make me stronger. 

My family. I feel like I've done nothing but disappoint them lately. Not being up to par in school, or in my life. I've made some bad choices lately and I'm finally realizing how these choices affect my family. I feel like everything is hitting at once, and I'm breaking down. I need a job, and I can't find one, which makes my parents even more upset with me. I hate letting people down, especially my parents.

I care about people so much. My heart is pure and of gold. I want everyone but me to be happy. Makes me a people pleaser I guess, but I just hate seeing my friends suffer. I've seen that too often. I ask questions about people and want a genuine answer. If I ask you how you are, and you aren't good tell me. I wanna know. We're all called to love and care. I want to do this.

To this day, I still deal with Ed King's death and I will until the day I die. It's hard dealing with grief almost 3 years later, but I'm reminded everyday of how precious life is. Sometimes I take it for granted. Ed King is one of my role models, and to this day I still see him playing basketball with his little brother outside their house down the street from me growing up. I took that for granted. I'm so blessed, and I forget it. 

I know I'm whining and whatnot but I needed to clear my mess of a head, and cry. Crying is cleansing according to Cosmo or something. Sounds lame, but have you had a good cry lately? You'll feel better, promise.

All in all, it sucks to lose people you think are supposed to be in your life longer than they will be. Sometimes life truly isn't fair, but it's life. 

I don't have it all together, I'm reminded every day. Sometimes you just gotta take a breath and take 10 steps forward and tell yourself that you can do it, because you can with God on your side.

Since like 8th grade I've been obsessed with quotes..and I have a collection. This one fits this post well:

Beautiful things come out of horrible situations. I know for a fact. Out of sadness you get a new found wisdom on how the world can look with a haze of gray clouds, how people can be senseless, how you can see the whole universe in a whole new way. And that may be hard to handle, hard to cope, hard to accept, but it is so damn beautiful  if you really take the chance to realize. Out of anger, you can feel your heart beat race, with every beat it is shaking your whole being and not only the heavy steps you take. It is when you, your whole self and some power is telling you that you are alive. And that is amazing in every angle. Out of anything there is something in there that makes it incredible. Something that makes it shine. Whatever you feel is potent and it is such a blessing to be able to feel what you feel. You just have to think about it.

Yours and His,

Kassie =)

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