Life Stories.

Do you ever find yourself in a situation you've been in before? Almost exactly?

That's where I find myself right now and it just brings me to a season of sadness and pain. Having someone not be able to forgive you for mistakes you've made is so painful.

I just question why this is all happening, how I can fix it. Usually that ends up in making more of a mess but not with bad intentions. Sometimes I feel like people mistake my good intentions for selfish bad ones and it really hurts me. I know that all these situations are to make us stronger and better but it doesn't make them easier by knowing that. This situation takes me back to 2 years ago almost to the day and that situation didn't get fixed until Christmas. 6 months is a long time without having your best friend by your side.

I feel like I give and give and people just take and take and it leaves me broken and empty. I know partly it's my fault, but I just want everyone to be happy. I guess you can call me a people pleaser and it gets me in trouble because I get upset when everything backfires on me.

Maybe losing people from your life is a good thing. Maybe their story in your life is over, and someone else is coming in. But the thought of losing some of the closest people in my life absolutely destroys me. I know situations like this have a way of working themselves out but it's so hard, so hard to deal it with it alone. Right now I feel so alone, I feel like there's very few people who will actually listen to me. I know that sounds selfish and self-motivated and maybe this is God telling me to trust Him more and talk to Him. Maybe just maybe that's what I'm supposed to be learning. But man, it's so hard.

I am struggling right now with so much and I all want is happiness for myself and everyone around me. I know it'll come and I know God's plan is perfect but it is so hard.

I care so much about the people in my life and I never mean to hurt them or not listen to them. I just want the people in my life to stay. Sometimes I wonder if it's just easier to walk away than work things out, and I would always pick to work things out. I can't just walk away from friendships or relationships of any kind.

I'm just rambling because I'm a mess, at least I'm a beautiful mess according to God.

Just say a prayer for me.

Thanks!

There IS Life After Death

Ever have a night so ingrained in your memory no matter what you can't forget the day's exact details? I remember how my hair was done, how everything happened on September 15, 2006. It was one of the worst days I've ever been a part of. You an read about that day here.

I remember the day as if it happened 5 minutes ago. I will never forget that day because it drastically changed who I was. It reminded me of how precious life is, and every year around this time I'm filled with so much emotion.

I was so blessed to have known Ed King and his family. His little brother and my sister were/are really good friends. Although they moved to Maryland, we still stay in touch.

I'm sitting here in tears but laughing because I was looking at Ed's MySpace and his occupation when he had it, "LIVIN OFF MY FOLKS." I can't stop laughing, because that's something he would say. I remember his funeral, it wasn't depressing or anything like that, it was truly a celebration of his life. We laughed, we cried, and we remembered Ed, a guy who changed our lives. He was always so cheery, and happy. I remember when he would come into the training room and we would call him "Special Ed" and he'd be like nahhhh. Haha.

I'm so thankful for memories like this. I'm SO grateful to have been impacted by Ed and his wonderful family.

As we approach the 6th anniversary of the Lord calling him home, I am praying for his family. As well as the Naders since that day drastically changed their life too.

God is faithful and good, and I am overwhelmed and thankful.

With a full heart,

268 Declaration!

The 268Generation Declaration, it's such a powerful testimony! 

1. A PASSION TO KNOW GOD ABOVE ALL THINGS -
BECAUSE I WAS CREATED BY GOD AND FOR HIS GLORY, I DESIRE TO MAKE KNOWING AND ENJOYING GOD THE PASSIONATE PURSUIT OF MY LIFE.

[GOD, GIVE ME A DESIRE TO KNOW YOU MORE.] COLOSSIANS 1:16-18, JOHN 17:3, REVELATION 3:20, PHILIPPIANS 3:7-10, JEREMIAH 9:23-24, PSALM 16:11, 63:2-5, 73:25-28, ISAIAH 43:7

2. LOVE FOR THE LOCAL EXPRESSION OF HIS CHURCH -
BECAUSE CHRIST ESTABLISHED THE CHURCH FOR GOD’S GLORY, I WILL INVEST THE GIFTS HE HAS GIVEN ME IN THE LIFE AND MISSION OF MY LOCAL CHURCH.

[GOD, GIVE ME A GREATER LOVE FOR YOUR CHURCH, THE BODY OF CHRIST.] EPHESIANS 2:18-22, 3:20,21, 4:1-13, 5:25-27, HEBREWS 10:23-25, ACTS 2:41-47

3. UNITY AMONG BELIEVERS THAT AMPLIFIES HIS NAME -
BECAUSE GOD’S FAME IS AMPLIFIED WHEN BELIEVERS LOVE EACH OTHER, I WILL STRIVE FOR UNITY AMONG ALL CHRISTIANS ON MY CAMPUS.

[GOD, GIVE ME A DESIRE TO LIFT UP YOUR NAME ABOVE ALL OTHER NAMES.] JOHN 13:34-35, 17:20-26, 1 CORINTHIANS 3, PSALM 34:3, 12-14, 133:1, COLOSSIANS 3:12-17, JAMES 3:17-18

4. A DESIRE TO SEE CHRIST CELEBRATED WHERE I LIVE -
BECAUSE MANY AROUND ME ARE SEPARATED FROM GOD, I WILL SHARE THE STORY OF JESUS WHERE I LIVE.

[GOD, CAUSE MY LIFE TO AN UNMISTAKABLE SOURCE OF GRACE AND HOPE TO THOSE AROUND ME.] 2 CORINTHIANS 5:20-21, ROMANS 10:11-15, ISAIAH 6:1-8, MATTHEW 5:13-16, 1 PETER 2:9-12, PHILIPPIANS 2:12-16, 1 JOHN 5:14-15

5. WILLINGNESS TO SHINE THE GOSPEL TO ALL PEOPLE -
BECAUSE GOD IS SEEKING WORSHIPERS OF ALL PEOPLES, I WILL SPREAD HIS FAME AMONG THE NATIONS, FULLY PARTICIPATING IN HIS GLOBAL PURPOSES AND ENGAGING POVERTY AND INJUSTICE IN JESUS’ NAME.

[GOD, KINDLE IN ME THE DESIRE TO GO ANYWHERE, AT ANYTIME, AT ANY COST, TO DO ANYTHING TO PROCLAIM THE GOSPEL OF JESUS CHRIST.] PSALM 67, 86:9, 2 CORINTHIANS 5:18-21, ISAIAH 49:6, REVELATION 5:9-14, MATTHEW 28:18-20, ACTS 1:8, JAMES 1:27, PROVERBS 31:8-9, ISAIAH 1:17

Rescue Her.

I stumbled upon a picture of someone wearing a shirt that simply said, "Rescue Her." I looked up the organization that it was from, and it's about human trafficking. Every 30 seconds a child is trafficked. I can't comprehend that. My problems fail to compare with that.

Passion 2012 was almost 7 months ago. Where we raised over 3 million dollars to combat this major world issue. I have seen it be brought to people's attention. I was at a rest stop in Florida and saw a poster about human trafficking. People need to know that this really is an issue. The link to see where our money went is here. You can see the organizations we partnered with and learn about them, get involved. Teach someone else about this issue, even if you can't go overseas. Give a dollar, it makes a difference. I saw 40k young people band together to give 3 million in 3 days... God is big.

I can't imagine having my little sister trafficked into slavery or domestic work. I can't fathom it. I would probably want to die. But it happens every day, all day, every 30 seconds.

I know that my generation can change this. We can rescue people from this dark world and show them the love of Jesus. They need to know they weren't created for that life but for a life so much better than that.

They are worth diamonds, and rubies to the Lord, and that is powerful.

I was reminded how stupid my problems are compared to what is really going on in our world today. Slavery and the shootings in Colorado put your life in perspective. My biggest obstacle today is what I'm having for lunch. We, as Americans, need to snap out of this mindset that we have issues, because we don't. We are called by God to help the poor and needy and we need to do that.

God just kinda hit me in the face with this but I needed to hear it.

I hope you are blessed today,

Little Surprises!

I got a text this weekend that said "Is Dallas easier for you to come to?" I go yes. Caitlin goes "Good because I got a job!"

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

I literally started crying and screaming. I have seen Caitlin grow into a beautiful young lady, and receive her degree from Angelo State to become a teacher. Do you know how exciting that is? To see someone get something they deserve? She'll have her own classroom and an aide! Children will be calling her "Miss Walker" and this makes my heart soooo happy.

I can't wait to visit her and see how cute her classroom is.

Good things do come to those who patiently seek the Lord, and do His will. Caitlin is living proof.

I am so proud to know you and be a part of your life. I am blessed by you in so many ways. I can't wait to see you grading papers and having your own classroom for me to visit! So excited for you, Miss Walker!!

My heart is full from this good news!

:)

Your Own Hero

My life is just that, mine. No one controls my destiny, my future, except God and myself. I think sometimes I just fail to realize that. I just feel like I'm at this place in my life where I don't know what the next step is. I don't know where I want to go in my life. I don't know who I want in my life, I don't know anything. Do you know how frustrating that is? It's like a brand new puzzle, you have 500 pieces in front of you and no idea where they all go. We're so ready for the end result, but it takes time, and patience.


I'm an adult, I'm supposed to have my shit together. I don't. Will I ever? I feel like it's so hard to figure out what the hell to do. Society tells us all these things, my parents tell me things, my friends tell me things, who the hell do I listen to? You hear all these voices and opinions, you forget what your own head is telling you.


I feel like I get so exhausted from loving people, trying to please everyone. Do you know how that feels? It wears you down. It takes everything out of you. But, I want everyone to be happy, even if I'm not. 


There's a situation in my life currently that is a jumbled mess. It pulls and tugs at me in a hundred different ways. Do you ever just question why you can't forget about someone, why you can't bring yourself to let the situation go? For some odd reason, I can't let this situation go, and believe me I've tried. But I keep going back even though I know I'm going to get hurt, but maybe that's where I stumble. I cling to that 1% chance that something amazing will happen. Maybe, sometimes wanting the impossible is where I fail. I cling to that tiny chance, because at least it's something, right? Maybe that makes me crazy, ridiculous. But it's better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring right?


There's just something in my heart that can't bring me to stop. I know I should just let it go, and forget about it, but I can't. The thought of doing that makes me sick, and I don't know why. They are worth it to me, so worth it. But when two people keep finding themselves back with each other.. what does that mean? It means that we think something differently than is actually there. And that's precisely why I have hope.


It's that 1% chance that something magical will happen, because you never honestly know, right? But how do you know if it'll happen if both people don't honestly give a chance? I guess that's where we, as society, fail.


It's taught to girls, for as long as I can remember, that we'll all have a prince charming and we'll be swept off your feet the moment you meet him. Is that true? I definitely don't believe so. If it doesn't happen right away, then we quit. We put this mental block up in our heads that it's not going to work. But why? You could be letting the most perfect person walk out of your life, without even trying. 


How long does it take? I don't know. But I think getting to know someone, I mean really getting to know them, takes a lot longer than 3 months, or 6 months. I think it's a constant process, and that's what makes it worthwhile. I think we all put on a little bit of a facade, because letting someone in is scary. It's scary to open yourself up to be vulnerable. To put yourself out there. It could destroy you, take everything out of you, but it could be the best thing that's ever happened to you. Sometimes letting your guard down is the best thing that could possibly happen.


Society has our idea of love, relationships, and friendships all skewed. No one compromises these days, everyone's in it for themselves. No good relationships come out of that. Look at the rate of divorce, over 50% of marriages end in divorce. Does that not scare you? It scares the crap out of me. It's because we live in a "me-society." It's always about what we, as individuals, want. Relationships of any kind take work, they don't just happen. The happiest couples you think you see, could go home and fight every day. I think that's how relationships blossom, through fights, talks, and emotions.


My best friends and I have all been through huge fights. Where we don't talk for months, but in the end we talk about what's going on, we learn from them, we grow as people. The friendships that I cherish the most are the ones I've been through the absolute worst with. That's how people grow.


We meet someone, and we think in a year we should be married with the white picket fence. I don't think that's how true love works. I don't think that's how you build a life. You build a life by taking it slow, getting to know them. Not rushing the physical side of things, not rushing titles, just living in the moment. Me, of all people, know how hard that is. I just want to rush and figure out what the hell is going to happen, but that's not how life is. Life is slow, and takes it's time. 


I think sometimes when you see this happening, you have to take a step-back and slow down or start over. Sometimes surprises and second chances do happen. And when they do, you’ve gotta not be afraid to let them happen.

I think we, as women and men, have this picture in our head of how it's suppose to be because we see all these other people happy. But no two love stories, relationships, friendships are the same. If what you've always been doing isn't working, why not try something new? Try a new way of doing things.


Maybe the truth is, it shouldn’t be easy to be amazing. Then everything would be. It’s the things you fight for and struggle with before earning that have the greatest worth. When something’s difficult to come by, you’ll do that much more to make sure it’s even harder; if not impossible; to lose.

Sometimes, you have to realize that you have to be your own hero. 

I just don't even know...

I am just udderly stressed and upset with everything. Do you ever just feel like you're having things go your way for awhile but you know something bad is going to happen? Well here's that bad stuff happening at once. My head and heart just hurt. I just don't know where to even go anymore. I just feel completely lost.

Do you remember being a kid and going to get an ice cream at McDonald's made you the happiest kid in the world? I just want to feel like that again...

This world we live in is messy, and stressful. I don't feel like I'm ever not stressed and it weighs on you. Everyone has problems but I just feel like I can't catch a break. I know, I know, it'll come around, but damn I get tired of hearing that.

I'm just lost, and I need to do some serious soul-searching.. Who knows..

Steady my Heart by Kari Jobe

Wish it could be easy
Why is life so messy
Why is pain a part of us
There are days I feel like
Nothing ever goes right
Sometimes it just hurts so much

But You're here
You're real
I know I can trust You

Even when it hurts
Even when it's hard
Even when it all just falls apart
I will run to You
Cause I know that You are
Lover of my soul
Healer of my scars
You steady my heart