Diappointed

Have you ever felt like you're not wanted, needed, or appreciated? That's how I've been feeling a lot lately.

I feel like I do a lot for people but no one really cares, you know?

I just am sometimes tired of doing lots of things for people, but not getting "thank you." "we should hangout." that kind of stuff.

am I being selfish?

words speak, music expresses.

Writing and music are my outlets. I rely on both to express my emotions.

Writing and I just get along so well. I feel like life is so vivid I just want to write down everything I see, hear, and smell. I just want to be able to remember all the important times in my life. Writing allows me to do this. When I'm 100 and old and dying I can go back and read about my life, it sounds weird but it's something I'm glad I'm doing. I mean with Alzheimer's and other diseases of the brain around, I just want to be able to remember things. That's why I love to write down things. The world around us is beautiful and without pictures and words, we'd have nothing to remember it by. It snowed on Tuesday, and it was amazingly beautiful. I took pictures, because I want to remember the day it snowed a lot in College Station. It was beautiful, snowing and then you had days like today, where it was absolutely beautiful with the sun shining. Today was one of those music up loud, driving around town with your windows down kind of days. It was spectacular.

Music is amazing. It expresses stuff so beautifully. It's fantastic. I love hearing a song and I can relate completely. Or another song that touches your heart. "Temporary Home" and "Why" are songs about life and I think everyone can relate to them. Where words fail, music lives.

Today ended one of those kind of weeks I had. A girl who goes to school with my sister's dad passed away Friday morning. His older daughter was a year above me, and I knew her. Mr. Helduser was such a nice man, and his family was great. He was 52 and had stage 4 colon cancer, but was supposed to live longer. It was sad. Keep the Helduser's in your prayers.

I got all my money and more for Beach Reach 2010! God is so faithful!

Life is looking up. Just gotta start studying hardcore because before you know it, finals will be here.

see you soon.

-kass

12 days until Spring Break 2010. Best week of my college career is ahead, can't wait!

So where are we?

Have you ever been lost and you need directions?

That's where I am right now, with life.

I need direction. I need clues, I need answers.

Where am I going? What am I supposed to do with my life?

I just hate not knowing, I hate it. But I need to trust God. I suck at that, and he knows that but he still loves me. I just need to trust him with school, life, relationships, friendships, parents...it all! I just struggle with that.

It's been a rough week and day and it's not over. Friday I have my second part of my ACCT 229 test. Ugh! :(

I get to end the day with 5foryell.com! :)

Love those boys.

pray for me !

see you soon.

-kass

Um yeah about that

Note: This is my opinion. :)

Recently I came across something I find very very strange. Someone I know is dating a girl whom he's never actually met in person, they've only seen each other via skype and stuff. I find that strange. Very strange in fact.

Here's why:

Okay I understand Skype is like seeing that person, but physical interaction is key in any type of relationship. Also, I understand you have to get to know someone, but being in a relationship already and making it FBO (facebook official)...kind of weird. just saying.

Is this how our society is going to work? Meet people online and then in a week decide "Hey I love you, let's get married?" What is our world coming to? I mean eHarmony and all those dating sites are great because sometimes you aren't going to come across someone in every day life, and the internet is great for meeting cool people. I've met some neat people online. However, being serious and dating before meeting in real life? Weird. Weird. Weird. I mean you can like someone you've met online before you've met, but actually dating? Wait until you've at least hugged, my goodness.

I mean don't get me wrong, I think meeting people online has become a lot safer, and more socially acceptable, but dating someone and making it FBO before you've hugged or anything physical? Weird. I mean I've met people online, but I definitely didn't start dating someone officially until we've met and known each other for awhile. I just don't understand.

If you have any thoughts on this, please enlighten me. Please.

see you soon.

-kass

planned out

have you ever had a situation completely planned out in your head? and you want it to go just that way.

then it happens and it's not even a smidge close?

yeah. fail.

I hate that.

the end.

Waking up.

Have you ever woken up and just come to some amazing conclusion? I feel like that's my life right now, but I can't put it into words.

I feel like lately I've become a lot more grateful for things. My life, my health, my family, my friends, my Lord and how blessed I am.

Prayers are being answered in my life daily, and it's such a good feeling.

I love life.

How're you?

see you soon

-kass

Our society

Has become so impersonal. Don't believe me look at what's happened to me recently:

A guy told me he was basically lying to me over a Facebook message, then what did I do? I deleted him off facebook. That signified the end of contact with him. It's kind of funny isn't it?

How about texting? Instead of calling someone we text text text text. Until I met someone last week, I hadn't had a phone conversation longer than 5 minutes in God knows how long.

Emails make it worse, instead of calling someone again we email them. Another way to make it impersonal.

I think our society has become so impersonal, when was the last time you picked up the phone to actually talk to someone rather than text or email them?

I want to stop doing this as much, but I hate talking on the phone...guess I should start liking it.

see you soon.

-kass

Legacy.

A girl I know's grandmother recently passed and before she was asking for prayers and telling us what happened. Her grandmother got Alzheimer's and she was in the worst stage before her death (obviously). Megan was telling us that her grandmother was acting like a child again, and it was almost as if her life was flashing before her eyes. Lately, it's really got me thinking.

What if my life were to flash before my eyes? What would it look like? Would I remember the terrible things or would I reminisce in the best things that ever happened to me? I just pray that when my life flashes before my life the Lord will say well done good and faithful servant. I just want that so bad, sometimes I want to be in Heaven so bad, then other days I realize that my work here on Earth isn't done. But man, I'm ready to see my Heavenly Father!

I want to leave a legacy on this Earth. I want to change the world, I know that sounds way naive but I really do, I don't really know how but I do. Deep down I want everyone to be happy, if I'm not happy but they are, great.

There's an old song called Legacy by Nicole Nordeman and it speaks right to me. It's my cry for my life, maybe it'll be yours too! In the song she says "I want to hang my hat on more besides the temporary trappings of this world." I feel like lately I've been so focused on material things, getting this outfit, getting this and that. I forget that none of this matters. NONE of it. I'm in tears right now because the Lord is showing me that the Earthly things don't matter, at all. Why do care so much about materialistic things Kass? Why? I'm the only thing you need, that's what the Lord is telling me right now. Our society has made this acceptable to have the nicest car, clothes, and lots of money. But none of that truly matters. In the bible there's a parable of the rich young ruler, and I ask myself every day if I would truly do that. And at this moment, I can't say I would, which is something I'm working on. It's just so hard, I just hate falling into the trappings of this world.

The Lord is so faithful. I fail him so much yet he still loves me and wants me. So great. :) I love what the Lord is teaching me.

I wanna leave a legacy... :)

Legacy by Nicole Nordeman

I don't mind if you've got something nice to say about me
And I enjoy an accolade like the rest
You could take my picture and hang it in a gallery
Of all who's who and so-n-so's that used to be the best
At such'n'such ... it wouldn't matter much

I won't lie, it feels alright to see your name in lights
We all need an 'Atta boy' or 'Atta girl'
But in the end I'd like to hang my hat on more besides
The temporary trappings of this world

I want to leave a legacy
How will they remember me?
Did I choose to love? Did I point to You enough
To make a mark on things?
I want to leave an offering
A child of mercy and grace who
blessed your name unapologetically
And leave that kind of legacy

I don't have to look too far or too long awhile
To make a lengthly list of all that I enjoy
It's an accumulating trinket and a treasure pile
Where moth and rust, thieves and such will soon enough destroy

Not well traveled, not well read, not well-to-do or well bred
Just want to hear instead, "Well Done" good and faithful one...

How will they remember me?

Well Hey!

Hi Ed! :)

How are you? How's Heaven? I want to know what it's like so bad! I miss you so much! I can't believe it's almost been 3 and a half years since I've seen you. I miss seeing you playing basketball with my sister and your brother. You were such a good big brother!

College Station is still same ol same ol. Boring, but it's growing fast! They are building the second HS, who would've thought? Kimmie still talks to Chris, and tells me he's doing well and your family is too. You're mom is such a strong person Ed! WOW! And your dad is incredible. You have some great parents.

I think about you every day. Every time I pass your house I picture you outside! I can't believe you were taken from this Earth, but I know you're with Jesus and having fun in Heaven. :) I miss you so much, and I can't wait to see you!! Maybe you can teach me some basketball up there? Sounds good right! :) I'm getting a tattoo of a fish with your date in it soon I hope. I miss you so much Ed! I can't wait to see you again! I found this song after you died and I feel like it's something you would say to everyone you knew and it just helped me cope with you being gone! I love you so much! See you soon. -kass

May the angels protect you
Trouble neglect you
And heaven accept you when it's time to go home
May you always have plenty
Your glass never empty
Know in your belly
You're never alone

May your tears come from laughing
You find friends worth having
With every year passing
They mean more than gold
May you win but stay humble
Smile more than grumble
And know when you stumble
You're never alone

Never alone
Never alone
I'll be in every beat of your heart
When you face the unknown
Wherever you fly
This isn't goodbye
My love will follow you stay with you
Baby you're never alone

Well, I have to be honest
As much as I want it
I'm not gonna promise that cold winds won't blow
So when hard times have found you
And your fear surround you
Wrap my love around you
You're never alone

Never alone
Never alone
I'll be in every beat of your heart
When you face the unknown
Wherever you fly
This isn't goodbye
My love will follow you stay with you
Baby you're never alone

May the angels protect you
Trouble neglect you
And heaven accept you when it's time to go home
So when hard times have found you
And your fear surround you
Wrap my love around you
You're never alone

Never alone
Never alone
I'll be in every beat of your heart
When you face the unknown
Wherever you fly
This isn't goodbye
My love will follow you stay with you
Baby you're never alone
My love will follow you stay with you
Baby you're never alone

Now a real blog.

Have you ever just felt the Lord open doors in your life?

One opened last week and it's been great. God is so good. Man, he's so good. He's working things out so well right now, and I think for the first time in so long I can say LIFE IS AMAZING. I love it so much.

I love love love love what the Lord has given me.

Went to a wedding today, and man I hadn't been to one in so long, weddings are beautiful. :) And then to a fundraiser dinner for Hospice. :) So fun so so so fun.

I'm realizing how awesome it is to have fun and there be no alcohol involved! WHOOP! :)

Church in the morning, I'm excited.

19 days until BEACH REACH! I couldn't be more excited!!!

Love you guys.

see you soon

-kass

Hello World

Traffic crawls
Cell Phone Calls
Talk radio screams at me through my tented window
I see a little girl, rust red minivan
She's got chocolate on her face
Got little hands, and she waves at me, yeah she smiles at me.

Hello World
How you been?
Good to see you my old friend
Sometimes I feel, Cold as steel
Broken like I'm never going to heal
I see a light, a little hope in a little girl, oh HELLO WORLD

Everyday I drive by a little white church,
its got these little white crosses like angels in the yard
Maybe I should stop on in, say a prayer
Maybe talk to God like he is there
Oh I know he's there, Yah I know he's there

Hello World
How you been?
Good to see you my old friend,
Sometimes I feel as Cold as steel
an Broken Like I'm never going to heal
I see a light, a little grace, little faith confirmed.
Hello World

Sometimes I forget what living for, And i hear my life through my front door,
and I'll be there,
oh I'm home again
I See my wife, little boy, little girl, Hello World

Hello World
All the empty disappears
I remember why I'm here
Just surrender and believe
I fall down on my knees
So Hello World, Hello World, Hello World

Oh why...

Saturday marks a year since someone I know killed themselves. He came from a loving family, and a good background. I keep asking myself why?

Suicide is so real, and so prevalent in our society and it's so real. I've seen it, and it rips families apart.

Recently, Rascal Flatts wrote a song directly about suicide and the first time I heard it I was crying like a baby. I'm going to post the video they made for it, and the lyrics below.

We miss you Ryan. Praying for you and your family every day. :)

You must have been in a place so dark
You couldnt feel the light
Reaching for you through that stormy cloud
Now here we are gathered in our little home town
This cant be the way you meant to draw a crowd

Oh why, thats what I asking
Was there anything i could have said or done
Oh I had no clue you were masking a troubled soul
God only knows what went wrong and whyy youd leave the stage in the middle of a song

Now in my mind ill keep you frozen as a 17 year old
Rounding third to score the winning run
You always played with passion no matter what the game
When you took the stage you shined just like the sun

Oh why thats what I keep asking
Was there anything I could have said or done
Oh I had no clue you were masking a troubled soul
Oh God only knows what went wrong and why you would leave the stage in the middle of a song
Yeahhhhh

Now the oak trees a swaying in the early autumn breeze
The golden sun is shining on my face
Tangled thoughts i hear the mocking bird sing this old world really aint that bad a place

Oh I theres no comprehending and who am i to try judge or explain
But I do have one burning question
Who told you life wasnt worth the fight
They were wrong
They lied
Now your gone and we cry
Its just not like you to walk away in the middle of a song
Your beautiful song
Your absolutely beautiful song

Two feet? Or a half foot?

Do you ever get into a predicament and want to just put both feet in it, and just take a risk? But then your conscience kicks in and tells you no, put a half foot in then eventually work up to both feet?

This situation is going on right now, I so badly want to put both feet in, but I know I don't need to. I mean I just am confused right now because I just want to know what's going to happen! (Hey God if you just wanna speed up time, that'd be freakin' fantastic. Love you!) I just need to tell myself that slow is the best, especially if you're counting on the future. So hard, but so true. I just need to breathe and late little Ms. Fate do her thang, if you know what I mean.

Last night was phenomenal, it was one of those first in my life, kind of nights (get your mind out of the gutter, k thanks.) I'd rather not go into complete detail, but it was incredible. I got emotional at the end because it's nice to have those kind of nights, ya know? Scared about what's to come? You bet. But I'm excited about it. I just don't want to screw it up, but I don't know for some reason I have a good feeling about this, and it makes me so incredibly happy. SO HAPPY. I just really hope I don't screw up an amazing thing in my life.

I've come to the conclusion I am so much better at writing things down then speaking. People think it's weird, but it's just me. I feel like words give us more vivid details, and the words used can make you feel like you're there. This is why I think I'd much rather text than talk, and blog than IM. I just can express myself so much more deeply through words.

By the way, Valentine's Day is an excellent movie, and worth 4 dollars. Go see it. :)

Thursday is here, and it's my first Casting Crowns meeting, and I'm kind of freaking out! I'm so excited!! :) God's definitely going to use this I hope!

Campaigning is almost here, but I don't really know how much of it I'll be doing this year. I really need to focus on school and work. REALLY.

Anyways this is just a little bit inside the crazy mind of Kassie :)

love you guys.

see you soon.

-kass

Ah.... school

This semester all my tests are spread out, which is fabulous. I don't have more than 2 tests a week which is just awesome. :)

This semester is panning out, I didn't do so hot on my management test, but he said everyone doesn't do very well at first. But I know two other people in that class and we decided we're going to have a study party before the next tests. It's all tort law, which I find interesting. But it's hard stuff because it's all latin terms, and stuff like that. Blargh! But the concepts are super fascinating!

I am dreading my accounting test on Friday and Monday! But I have Brittney is in my class, and she's a genius, love that girl.

It's official I'm not doing Phi Lamb this semester...but it's okay, God's got better plans for me this semester and year! :)

and there's this boy..

love you

kassie

That Awful Day...Valentine's

It's Sunday, well technically it's Monday. But nonetheless, still Sunday to me.

I didn't have an eventful day until 12:30Am Austin IMed me "Happy Valentine's babe even if I'm late." Me: "I love you!" Austin: "I love you too."

awwwwwwww. I love this boy. We've been like this since 7th grade, and I'm pretty sure I'd marry that boy in 5 minutes. :)

Austin Haskew, I love you! :)

What the hell Wednesday

Today has been terrible.

Absolutely terrible.

I'm lost in what we're doing in accounting, like totally lost. I just have to do well in school this semester, I have to. But today's events are totally hindering that.

I just can't believe this. I feel like just as things were getting better in my life, everything just falls down. I'm so tired of this.

Also, I feel like I have no body again, I don't feel close to anyone. I don't really have a best friend these days, which sucks. I'm trying to hard to keep up my positiveness, but it's eating me away that I really have no one. Maybe it's God showing me I need to come back...

I don't know what to do, I don't know where to start. I feel like my life is one giant circle. It goes up then down, and it's always like this. I'm so tired of it.

I hate being negative, I hate it. But sometimes, it's good to release that..

pray for me.

-kass

count them up.

I'm working two jobs as many of you know. It's finally taking a toll on me. I can't do 50 or 60 hour M-Thursdays and then 22 hour WORKING hours on F/Sat/Sunday plus homework.

I'm about to break down. I can't do that many hours this weekend at Spoons, I just can't. My body can't, my brain can't, and my school work can't afford it. As unprofessional as it sounds I'm about to just quit and just have one job and focus on school. I can't run my body down like I am, I just can't. I'm trying to get Friday's close shift picked up and no one at Spoons is helping, and it really upsets me. So much. I can't handle this. I'm too stressed out for all this bullshit.

I work so much, I don't have friends these days, and when I'm not working I'm doing accounting or history, or one of my 5 classes.

25 hours a week at teex (M-F only)

25 hours a week at spoons

15 hours a week at school plus homework=30 hours of school.

count them up and it's a total of 80 hours. of constant goingness a week.

That's a very broad estimate too, doesn't include Breakaway, or church or any of that.

Honestly, I haven't really had a social life this semester, I mean if I quit Spoons I won't have as much money, but I feel like I'll benefit greatly.

I'm so upset and frustrated. I just wanna curl up into a ball and cry.

Boy D for Douche

So here's the story of me and Boy D. He's boy d because he's a douche.

Me and Boy D kind of meet online, but we have mutual friends. Whatever. We started hanging out Bonfire remembrance night 2008. We hit it off, like completely. He was always over at my apartment etc. I fell in love with this boy. Oh and he was 25 when we met, I was 18. But come to find out he's really 12 inside. On with the story. Anyways, this goes on and on for about 6 months. Then I give up on him, because he wouldn't define us, and I hated that fact. So we stop talking for a month or so, then guess who comes back in my life, yeah Boy D. WTF. Of course me, being the stupid 19 year old I was at this point, I am like oh I'll get him back and we'll date and yadda yadda. Well by this point he's moved back to Dallas, and works for some company that flies him all over the world to build stuff. This past summer he was in Portugal for most of it. I didn't know this, until we started emailing back and forth. We start talking about marriage, and kids, and a house, and yadda yadda. Like legit stuff. Like I would marry that boy tomorrow. I keep going back to him, after he's made it clear through his actions he's not going to be permanent with me. I'm blind to this fact. Anyways, by this point it's July and we're still emailing back and forth, granted I haven't actually seen him in well over 9 months. But yet we still talk and he still likes me and misses me. Fast forward to the fall, I start school, our talking becomes sparse and eventually dries up from September to November.

Ring Day 2009, I get a text message from Boy D "Congrats to everyone getting their rings!" I texted him back "BOY D!! (I said his name) you're in town?!" He said yes, and we proceeded to discuss meeting up and hanging out. So we establish that we're going to hang out. So I meet him at Best Buy, it's super late by this point, and I see him and all those feelings of hatred for not talking to me leave, and the feeling of love comes back in. I get out of my car and it's like the movies, no joke. He lit up when he saw me, as did I. We kiss, like we always do, and we're back to us. Holding hands, making out, you know all that mushy stuff. So we end up staying with each other all night. It was the most amazing night ever. I completely fell back in love with him, as if I ever fell out. Anyways, he left and we still talked all the time, then the next week or so I ask him if we really had a future and he told me no and my heart broke. Completely. Like I was in a meeting for work when we were texting, and I lost it right there. I was completely heartbroken, a year of my life went to that boy. Waiting for him, hoping he'd want to be with me. Again I was blind by my love for him, he never had the intention of really dating and being with me. Stupid love.

So after that fiasco, we talk here and there, but I come to the realization I need to let myself go. So I slowly start fading him away, and stop talking to him etc. Well last night guess who's effing online and we start talking? Yup you guessed it, Boy D. I was telling him we went to Aaron Watson and I looked good and he said "send me a picture." So of course I did, he told me I looked good. Here we go again, right? Well tonight he's like I need time. Time for what? You're the one who fucking broke up with me. So that's what our conversation ended, because I know if I see him we'll kiss, and be all mushy mushy, which shouldn't happen. So I asked him what would happen, and he said "IDK I need time." WTF. You should say, I wouldn't let it happen. Like who says that? He's clearly a douche, and I clearly deserve better.

So Boy D: I'm done with you forever. I have no hope that you'll like me. I'm done. I strongly dislike you and I hope you realize that you let a girl who loved you go, a girl who would've done anything for you. Here's to you Boy D the douche. I hate you.

I'm going to start labeling my posts now :)

I completed another 101 in 1001!! Saw another movie alone!! WHOOP!

You remember

'...that one time at that party we hooked up and you were a good kisser, for a pastor's son?.."

Yeah that was one of the many prank calls me and my girls made tonight, well actually more like what I made. I was going through Ayla's phone and I was like oh who can I prank call. I mean I totally love acting like we're in Middle School again, playing Apples to Apples and prank calling people. It's the best. :) I love my friends.

At least I wasn't drunk tonight, and at least I'll remember tonight tomorrow. :)

Nights like this make me love College Station and everything going on.

I love my life and my friends. :)

It's those moments when you drive around in a car full of friends around a town too small for you. Where you gasp for breath between each laugh. It's those moments where you get high off just breathing in so deep, you feel your lungs getting cold. For a second, that split second, you don't care. You don't care about school, about parents, about money, about rules, or broken hearts. Who you care about are the kids sitting next to you. Cause it's all we really need isn't it? Those kids next to you. Yeah, the ones who make you feel invincible, even at your weakest points.

Where I belong

Your presence is all Im longing for, here in the secret place
Your nearness is all Im waiting for, here in the quiet place
Here in the secret place

My soul waits for You alone
Like the watchmen wait for dawn
Here Ive finally found the place
Where well meet, Lord, face to face

Chorus 1:
I've finally found where I belong

I've finally found where I belong, in Your presence
I've finally found where I belong, its to be with You, to be with You

I am my Beloveds and He is mine
So come into Your garden and take delight in me, take delight in me

Delight in me, delight in me; delight in me, delight in me

Here in Your presence, God, I find my rest
Here in Your presence, God

I love this song. It's ringing such truth in my life right now. I feel like all of the sudden everything makes sense. I've finally found where I belong. I love it. Only in Christ am I complete, and holy. I just love knowing where I belong and it's in his presence!! :)

God is so good!

this is what I want.

I don't mind if you've got something nice to say about me
And I enjoy an accolade like the rest
You could take my picture and hang it in a gallery
Of all who's who and so-n-so's that used to be the best
At such'n'such ... it wouldn't matter much

I won't lie, it feels alright to see your name in lights
We all need an 'Atta boy' or 'Atta girl'
But in the end I'd like to hang my hat on more besides
The temporary trappings of this world

I want to leave a legacy
How will they remember me?
Did I choose to love? Did I point to You enough
To make a mark on things?
I want to leave an offering
A child of mercy and grace who
blessed your name unapologetically
And leave that kind of legacy

I don't have to look too far or too long awhile
To make a lengthly list of all that I enjoy
It's an accumulating trinket and a treasure pile
Where moth and rust, thieves and such will soon enough destroy

I want to leave a legacy
How will they remember me?
Did I choose to love? Did I point to You enough
To make a mark on things?
I want to leave an offering
A child of mercy and grace who
blessed your name unapologetically
And leave that kind of legacy

Not well traveled, not well read, not well-to-do or well bred
Just want to hear instead, "Well Done" good and faithful one...

I came across this song oh I would say sophomore year in High School and it rang such truth to me. Well I guess getting a new computer, and such it got erased off my iTunes and for some reason it popped in my head today, and I'm literally in tears. How true is this song, I want to leave that kind of Legacy. I've screwed up, I've stumbled but ultimately I hope I leave that kind of legacy.. I want to be the girl that makes people's days, who is there to listen to love, to be a friend. I mean I don't have a lot of time these days, but I feel like it's right now that God is bringing people in my life. It's incredible.

Caitlin and I's friendship I feel like is so much better than it was 6 months ago, I can't describe why but I feel like it is. I don't feel like I completely depend on her, but more on the Lord. He's doing such a great work in my life.

Stuff with some issues I was having worked out, school is going really well, I love my classes. Friends? Awesome, and the job situation is going well. Some issues, but they've been ironed out. Also, I was called to go on a mission trip for Spring Break and I think that's going to end up working out too. I love church, and my Lifegroup I've been going to. God is so good and faithful!

I'm in complete love with my life, complete, for the first time in a long, long, long time. Praise God!

Love you guys,

-Kass

PS: I Finished one thing on my 101 in 1001 things list!